Hi this is just me wanting to randomly just place thoughts about game development.

I haven't worked on anything in maybe a month or so. I don't like where Art Attack Arcade is going so I think it's shelved unfortunately, and I'm leading to the same conclusion with TWENTY. Nothing's been working out personally, and I've been trying to reflect on my abilities to like... make games.

I really wonder if I genuinely can make games and while there's a part of me that's just... defeated. Maybe I should just call it quits or something, but I mean... I want to make games. I genuinely want to make stuff people will play and enjoy. So that got me thinking about like, where my thoughts are when it comes to making games.

Something I realized is I don't think I have the best of intentions when wanting to make a game. I always want my thing to pop off and get popular, but I both don't know how to do that because I assume that's just random luck that it will happen, but I really want it to, even though I very well probably don't deserve that or am able to competently handle that level of popularity. I recognize that's not really a good thing to believe in, holding so much thought that "This project will be the best first foot forward for me in the world!" when like... I don't think I'm there yet, and I'm holding way too much baggage at the that by sheer chance, I will get popular when like... there's so much I can do to influence that if I really wanted to. I've not been in anything, I've not assisted in anything, I've contributed nothing meaningful to anyone. Maybe that's something to consider for myself. I haven't been apart of anything. If that's ever anything I want to get, should I even want it, (stuff like Goosework's rationalization of The Amazing Digital Circus popping off being very "I'm not sure how okay I am with any of this" and really, anything that pops off getting leaches who uses your stuff to leverage themselves) I should find something to be apart of. Or just... do anything. Cause lord forbid I've spent 9 months maybe doing nothing.

Another thing that I've realized I'm garbage at planning games. A lot of my games are very impulsive to be honest. TWENTY started one day because I had the thought to make a game with these characters. I really didn't have much of a plan heading forward, and because of that, my game strayed a lot. I had no clue what I'm doing, making things on impulse cause I want to add it and getting hung up on things because I had no clue what to do for it. The story was the biggest issue to me because to me it felt too basic to me and just didn't have any real ideas to make it better since I was maybe 3 months into development. I assumed the bloat to my game was for the better cause it's more meat to the game that really didn't have any but looking back, maybe that would've been better. I don't know if it would be, it's still pretty empty but idk. I lack a lot of discipline and probably wasted so much time wanting to make something I had no real end goal to.

I'm thinking of making another game and while we'll see if this is history repeating itself, but I'm taking better steps in making sure everything's all planned out before... actually committing to it. And I've written myself steps to follow. I don't know how silly it is to do this but like, heck if I know, maybe I need to write something on my hand in order to remember it.

While my next project is more of a creative exercise more than anything, wanting to practice elements in RPGs that I really like, two player party dynamics and memorable gimmicky bosses. Maybe this will be more of a practice on game development discipline. Hopefully I'll figure something out here. I'm making sure I have plans that I'm confident in and ready to go fourth. Maybe I'll use December break to make it??? Unsure cause like... god maybe I need a break. I haven't drawn in a while and this is the most activity I've gotten in terms of art. Or at least somethings I want to share with people. Procreate Dreams is coming out in 9 days. Maybe it'd be nice to not make a game and instead pop off there. (...maybe there'd be some nice hypno opportunities when I get my hands on that ;O_O)

Regardless, I'm not giving up as much as I'm distraught and demoralized. But it's been hard trying to swallow that I'm unable to do something and I truly have no understanding in what I'm doing.

best regards ^-^